The Long Haul.

haul
/hôl/
verb

verb: haul; 3rd person present: hauls; past tense: hauled; past participle: hauled; gerund or present participle: hauling

1. (of a person) pull or drag with effort or force.
“he hauled his bike out of the shed”
synonyms: drag, pull, tug, heave, lug, hump, draw, tow; informal yank
“she hauled the basket along”
•propel or pull oneself with difficulty.
“he hauled himself along the cliff face”
•informal
force (someone) to appear for reprimand or trial.
“they will be hauled into court next week”

2. (of a vehicle) pull (an attached trailer or load) behind it.
“the train was hauling a cargo of liquid chemicals”
•transport in a truck or cart.
“Bennie hauls trash in North Philadelphia”
synonyms: transport, convey, carry, ship, ferry, move
“a contract to haul coal”

3. (especially of a sailing ship) make an abrupt change of course.

noun
noun: haul; plural noun: hauls

1. a quantity of something that was stolen or is possessed illegally.
“they escaped with a haul of antiques”
synonyms: booty, loot, plunder; More
spoils, stolen goods, ill-gotten gains;
informal swag, boodle
“the thieves abandoned their haul”
•the number of points, medals, or titles won by a person or team in a sporting event or over a period.
•all the products purchased by someone during a particular episode of shopping.
“my husband looked over my haul and announced that I was a shopaholic”
•a number of fish caught.

2. a distance to be traversed.
“the thirty-mile haul to Tallahassee”

When looking up the word haul and already having a familiarity with it in the English language, I was curious to read the different meanings. At the very bottom, the last definition as a noun struck me the most, “a distance to be traversed.” I then had to search the word traversed, even though I know what it means, there’s always more than one meaning to words and experiences. I summed up the meaning of the word haul in my title of this blog post to mean, “to carry back and forth for a distance.”

Have you ever had to carry something for a long distance, whether it was a heavy backpack, a large box, or a piece of furniture? How about a person? Have you ever carried a person across a room, a field or hot concrete sidewalk? Now, for the twist. Have you ever had to carry the burdens of a person around for a long distance?

That’s The Long Haul I’m talking about.

Carrying the load of a person’s burdens back and forth for a long distance. Raise your hand if you’ve ever had to carry the responsibility of another person’s struggles around for any length of time? Go ahead, raise your hand, because the acknowledgement of it will help you validate your experience. This load of responsibility be it physical or emotional is called “shouldering the burden.” It’s done daily with family members, co-workers and neighbors. This shouldering of burdens usually doesn’t take its toll on you but sometimes it can be difficult because of the great amount energy you are giving, yet you carry it willingly because you are a giving person and you feel responsible to help your fellow human. What I want to talk about is the shouldering of burdens that takes its toll on you. The burdens you aren’t supposed to be carrying for others, because they aren’t appreciated or supported. What kind of impact does carrying someone’s burdens like this have on you? How long does it last? What is the outcome?

One of my favorite quotes that I’m always reminding myself of because I’m a naturally empathetic person is, “We rise by lifting others.” I believe this is a true statement for me and I try to live up to it daily. I serve my family and community, and I work in ways to help positively impact my fellow humans. I’m courteous, let people cross at crosswalks and encourage anyone I can with a smile, a kind word or gesture. But, as an empath what I have also done is unknowingly carry the burden of another person’s problems. Empathetic people tend to attract non-empathetic people, as if they seek us out of their need to feed off our never-ending supply of understanding and support, because ultimately, they lack it. Unfortunately, these types of relationships can become unbalanced and the empathetic individual finds their efforts exhausted and their empathetic gestures not reciprocated. Have you ever found yourself in this type of relationship? Where everything becomes about the other person? Where your slightest concerns get pushed under the rug or are undermined? It happens to many of us.

What I’ve come to experience full circle and witness in my own life is the result and implications of this type of relationship. We more than likely don’t see this kind of person coming into our life. How can we know or prepare for the negative impact of this type of relational imbalance? The answer is: we often can’t. It’s through life experience that we see the signs and know what to look for.

Have you ever been praised greatly by someone? Someone telling you all these amazing qualities that they see in you? They write you poems and songs, go through extreme romantic gestures to please you. They shower you with their creativity and woo you with their charm. Unfortunately, these are the types of people that can have an adverse effect on your wellbeing long term. Their generous praise is usually short lived. They use their praise to “hook” you into their web of self-doubt, lack of empathy and insecurity within themselves. You will find yourself trying to help them because of your empathetic nature. After all you are a natural giver and you thrive on having meaningful relationships in your life. Unfortunately, it’s common for this type of relationship to become a vicious cycle of getting you nowhere, because a non-empathetic person cannot learn to be empathetic. They don’t see the benefit or growth from empathy. Their relationship goals are based on what they can gain. I’ve been told by non-empathetic people, that you are either born with the ability to be empathetic, or you’re not. You are welcome to argue this viewpoint and I would love for you to share if you have a personal experience with someone who lacked the ability to be empathetic but learned it through being able to change.

The result and implications of this this type of unbalanced relationship can be devastating. It can leave you depleted, exhausted, confused, isolated and unsupported. It can keep you from pursuing your dreams. It can make you feel trapped in the other persons problems. This is the viscous cycle. The only way to break free from it, sadly, is to leave it. That is unless you are willing to compromise your greatest dreams and achievements to try and keep a toxic relationship together.

Unfortunately, it usually takes more than one relationship, be it a family member, friend or romantic partner to learn the signs of what to look for in a non-empathetic person. There’s usually a honey moon phase that creates this bubble of a magical quality between you. A bond you seem to share from some creative, soulful force. What I’ve come to find, is that any true lasting relationships in your life, takes work. They don’t arrive suddenly in your life, as if to sweep you off your feet. They take nurturing, time and commitment.

After seeing the many signs of dysfunction in my relationships that were based on all take and no give, I realized how isolated and drained from my purpose I had become. I mean, here I am this person with boundless energy to give, with a love and compassion for people that is inexhaustible. My purpose had seemingly escaped me, and I didn’t know why. It can be very confusing because the other person can mask their taking nature by giving in ways that make you feel supported physically, but their efforts are never sustaining emotionally. It’s very hard to navigate what manipulation or control looks like in a relationship. It takes painful experiences to be able to discern what they are. Empathetic people don’t usually approach relationships with ideas of gaining something, so it can be challenging to navigate others that do. It’s almost like you must put this filter on of what everyone’s motives are around you. Yes, it’s not fun but it’s necessary because empaths are targets. Don’t forget that. Some people who don’t have it, want to take it from you and they will try to take it with force.

After seeing through the dysfunction, I realized that the most important thing in my life that was missing was ME. One of the hardest parts of not fulfilling your dreams, is the absence of you creating them. Have you ever looked forward to seeing someone at an event or gathering and they weren’t there? You felt their presence gone and you just missed them? I realized that this person was me. The person who I’ve always counted on to show up and be the strength for everyone. The person who is committed and loves and honors her fellow human. The person who thrives off connecting and being a light for others. That person who was missing, was me.

Putting my biggest dreams on hold, meant trying to create new ones. I still found a way to give back. To do meaningful work. But, I knew that I wasn’t being true to who I really am. Who God has called me to be. I realized that the most important thing I could do was to fight to continue to pursue my long-term goals and dreams. To do what I was put here on earth to do. That would be the ultimate revenge for any manipulation and suffering that I have endured.

Now that I’m back, doing what I love most, I want to tell you that I’m still in it for The Long Haul. But not for the heavy kind of haul, for the light kind of haul. The haul of a meaningful responsibility. The Long Haul for my purpose. I will not carry anyone else’s burdens of dysfunction but will continue to pursue my gifts, my passion and my beliefs. Nothing is greater for me than to show up for my fellow human. I live for being here for you. And, I will continue to fight for that right to be here to serve you in the many ways that I know how. With all my empathetic, loving, giving heart. Yes, I’ve painfully learned but I’ve also grown tremendously through the experiences of these relationships. And, I hope that I can be a light and support for others who are living through the confusion of the relationships that we must navigate here on this crazy planet earth.

I’m here to tell you regardless of the painful lessons, I’m no longer missing. I’m in this for The Long Haul.